


The Misadventures of The Murder Husbands

by HannibalDadJokes



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Cannibalphobia?, Dogs, F/F, I'm not even trying btw, Just chillin on a beach somewhere, LITERALLY, M/M, Margot is the best, Murder Weddings, P.s. the cake is people, Post-Episode: s03e13 The Wrath of the Lamb, Spoiler Alert - Freeform, What Have I Done, ass tattoos, baes, drinking something out of a skull, hand holding, if you were expecting something serious, it's not a fetish thing, look elsewhere, murder husbands are happy, non graphic murder sex, people bacon, toe removal??, toes are eaten
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-05
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-04-30 04:09:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 3,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5149742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HannibalDadJokes/pseuds/HannibalDadJokes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Will and Hannibal are happy. Some people don't ship it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. yes homo

willy hol hannibus manly man hand.  
they happy

"omfg thats so gay" said alana del rey but not as cool.  
Esmargot hol her precious delicat e manicuredd lady yuri hann.  
"but waifu we gay too"  
alana shrugged  
"but it's different they MENn"  
The pretty horse lady shook her beautiful head  
"Doesnt matter still gay"

and then the murder boyfriedns (because they takin it slow) cut alansas toes off because if they cut off her fingees she couldnt hold her babys hand. some people have morals. cough Will cough. hanmibal wanted to take a finger bc then she couldn't wag her fingers anymor e. then they ate alanas toesies.


	2. datt assss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will has a tattoo of the Doge meme.

"ummm mm,,.," sais hannibal. "yes hanni my laurv wha t is it" said the Graham cracker as he wiggle tha nudie booty. "why u gotta dog on that ass" sayd the tal ler canibob.. "ohhh thiS" will slapps his cutie booty that has the doge tattooed on itt. "yea its a shiba" haNnabil dumbfounded as fuckj, "will my precious smore thhis looks new" hannjbal squinted his penguine eyes suspiciousllY., "is this your way of tellignm e you want..." pause for dramatic effect "bABIES" will star at his sexy lithuaniaan bf with his precious baby deer doey eys. "um no I want a dgo"

Well we didn't see tHATT coming. WhaAAAT A SURPRISE. 

"Oh" said the cheshaire stripper. "yeh no I can do that" so he buys some fancy dog with his conveniently endless suplly of monies. when he give his bae the pupu willu GaSP. "HANNII BAL.!! !¡ I cANNOT ACCEPT. THIS MUSTV beAN EXPENSIVE" Hnaibl glow wjth halpy. "there is no dog I wouldn't buy fir uu my DArLINGN. Even if there are plenty of dogues in a local shelter pretty much on dogie death row all of which are free" he made thah :// shruggy facie.

The teddy Graham reach up 6,000 feet (even tho the height difference is like 2 inches) to pull his babay baby bye bye (lana tho) down intoa PASSionaTe kissu. "I'm love you" wil say. "I love me tto, will. I love you too tho" say hanibal. 

Thy name the dog lana del rey after Wills 2 nd resn to get out of bed in the middle of thenight (because he gotta shower. He a sweaty man. Hannjbal lovws it tho...) just after hannibal aww. Then theh made out while will is on Hannibals lap and it was hot.

The end


	3. Swandive song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post cliff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my terrible art skills here!
> 
> http://hannibal-dad-jokes.tumblr.com/post/132625352041/cover-art-for

"oHHM Y GODd WILL WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?" yelled hanbul. they just fel of a cliff. "um" start the sassy Graham cracker,, "so we could leave it all behind..,." "im listengn." "And let the ocean wash away??" he srhug. Hannibal look blank. "will" "yes" "you did this to make apun?" will make a 'waht can u do' face. "Im proud." they passoinetly embroider.

then will got down on hid knes. 

"will whatr you doign we are bleedigng out rn can it waut" will looks up from his spot "um,. No I'm makinggn another joke duh" hanbal confuse "youre my relighn" start willu "hoe don't do it" says cannibal. "youre how im l ivin" "WILL" "WHEN ALL MYFRIENNDS SAY I SHOULD TAKE SOME SPAAC E" "WILL PLEASE" "WELL I CNAT ENvISION" "SCREAMIG" "THAT FOR A MINUTE.,wHEN I'M DOWN ON MY KNEES UR HOW IPR AY.." "oh my god." he did it. "i NNNEEEEDDD YOUR LOOOVE." then the sun com up . "NO PLEASE GO BACK DOW-" he warn/yell th sun "EVERYTHINF IS BRRRIGHT NOW NO MORE CLOUDY DAYS" hannubal is crying. houses are on fire. Childnr are screminag.. he finished he song. "thank god" hanibal says. "you did this just to sing a lana song what the fuck will"

hannibal just swered. will get ann boner. "say that agaign." then they have dirty sex talk and jiz z their pants. The end


	4. a Lounds of flesh (murder boners)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprise bitch
> 
> Guess they thought they'd seen the last of her

Frredeie lound cake snap picutrse with her cemrea. 'this will make a grest articlcie! !,' think frde. hNabl with h issuper human senses ears herD the snap. he look up from willseyes. they were fuckigng. "HNIbal what is it my lov e" say the naked grahm cracker. Hibanl snjff. He glare/squint his eye s... "FrEDIE LOUNDSS.." Will gasp! "but were in the safety and privacy of our own home!! Isn't that illeagle?!!," hannibal facepalms. Then the direbell ring.

Hanbial pull his man item out of wills butt and puts on a fancy silky robe and (bunny) slippers. He struts to the door.

WHAB AMM!¡ a SHOCK of FIREY RED CURLS (and a bright camera fleash) momentraily bilds hankbal. "ow." He say. "wow roOd." Sayid canibal the ribber. Freddie puta on that annoygn ass fake sypmathetic smilee. "Dr. Lecter!!,! How graet it is to see you her e!" Hanibal squints. "This is my house." Freddie snap pictures agina. "So you admit to the murder of Francine Moneyskin and that Graham guy!!!! I knew it!" She souts. Will appear very nakeldy. "No I'm right here" fredier zoom in on that graham junk. "Um excuse me this is a priviat e show" said hannibal as he smacmas rhe camera out of her stupic hand s. Fred offrnd! "THAT IS PRIVATE PROPERTY!!" Hanjbal smiles "so is where youre standing, bitch" will ans Freddie gasp ap the same time. Wikk get sa boner. "Ohh Hannibal!!" He moans. 

This is pretty awkward.

"Okay I'm just going to back waya now.,.." freddiee says. Hanibal lounges adnf snaps her neck like that stupid camera snapped picutres of baes man parts. Will s boner gets bigger (im a lesbian how do penises work). Hannjbal hoists the annkying bitchs body over his sbouldre. Wills mouth is gaping. "Will what would you like for diner tomorrow night" will ss eyes rol in the back of hi head. He cums. Hannibal drops freddie and runs over to will. "yAAs my LAMB MAKE LOVE TO ME NOW" then he does.

And in the morning they have freddie baconn. The endd


	5. So two bitches walk into a bar...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unsanitary dining room arrangements happen. Did they even wash their hands after giving each other handjobs?

DINGGY DON G go hte doorbell. Bdelia put dowb her gigantic glass of wine (she got an alcholh problem) and walk ot the door. "Shit" she say as soon as she sees them. Hannibak and Will both smile and tbh it's pretty cute. "Hi!! Do you hvea a monemt to talk about our Lord and savior Jesus Christ?" They say at the same time which is rlly creepy. "Oh my god" sey bedial. Hanjbal tilt he head. "Well yeh that's kind of the idea dOY!!!" Willu laughin. He holds up his hand for a high figh. "Hey bedelia do u need me to get u osme aloe vera?," say will. Medallion confus ed. "Wha for ?" "TO HELP WITH THAT SICK BUR N!¡" She not amuse. Hanbobul clear heis throat. "Anyway we brought food" she sigh for 12 minut. "Come in"

Pretty bad idea tbh. She wakeey op without her leg.

"Shit" she said agin. Se look raound. Theres four place settings. There is a dog at the fourth. "Oh my god." She wishpe. Either bc of how unsanitary that is or bc her leg was in the middle of the teabl. Or the moanign coming (haha) fom the kitchn. "oH MY G OD." There were two cannibobs havifn the do in her kirchen. It was kindsa turign her on..,same..,,.

The mogian stopeod and rhen they wakedl out. "Oh my god." Awkward.

Her two ex patients who one of them was the others ex patient was fucking his ex psychiatrist who was her other ex patient and her ex husband. This was like a rlly f'd up orgy. Hannibal wiht his superhum an hearign coupd hear her mind thoughts. He smiels. "I guess it is that kindof party hehehe h...,." Bedildo starts crying. "I don't get it" sey teddy graham.

They sit down and hold hands. With each other. And the dog. Oh yeah the dog."um excuse me" she seay. They look up. "Why is there adoge at the table." Will amiles. "Well bc hteres already one bitch at the table. It woudl t be fair if Lana had to sit on the floor." Bedelia gasl pp. They hgih five. With each other. And the dog. "Anway bedlindo. Your leg is pretty good." Seay hanjbab. Will nods. The dog nods. "What the fuck is up wih that dogg" Hanjjbal sey, "yeah what is up with u budela..?"

"OH MY GOD" 

Will the puns ever end


	6. High by the beach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Murder fiancees

"Are theey dea d??" Askd jack crawfish. price and zeller shrug. "i guess." they sid. "wHAAAT THE FUCKIGN TITS DOES THA T MEA YOU GUESS" yelled the angry Crawford. "Well" price starts "moneyskin filmed it and" "they fell off this cliff." Zelle finsih, looking over the cliff. "Huh. Okay." Jacm sya.

MeANWHILE ON A BEACH SOMWWHEREE...,

"Would you like another people smoothie dear precious lamby bby" ask hammibal to will. Will holss out his empty people skull out to be refilled. Hanibal poured more liquid human into the skull and lanas dog bowl. "Tthank you darlign." Will relpl and pet Lana. "This is really nice." Says hanibal. "Laying on our own personal beach, naked, drinking cannibal coladas..." will hums "truu" eh say. "hey will" will look over. "Yes my lov e" handjob looks nervous and it's super cute. "do you...idk...maybe....like wannabemymurderhusband." Will lokks taken ab bak "Um" he stars "yeah duh"

Then they make out, naked, on their own private beach. It was really sweet and pretty hot. 

The end


	7. family reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang gets together for a special announcement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FORGOT TO UPDATE YESTERDAY I'M SORRY

"Ohh my fuckign gODD." Is the frist thing Alana says when she wakes up. She is at a table. What is it with people waking up at tables in my story. There are other people at the table. Jacjs there... Dr. Du Maurier is there...is that fucking Winston. It is. And there ie another dog... What the fuck. "What the fuck" says Alana. Bedelia rolls her eye s. "Who the heckign heck do you think did this? ?!" Yell crawfish. Seh roll her eyes again. "WHO DO OUY THI NKM." Alana squint. "Are you drunk" will walk ib. "Duh shes got a wine problem" he say. Everyone but the dogs (tthat includes bedelia...she is a bitch...) gasp. "Will !!!" Yell anala and jack. Hanabil strut in next . Evr one gasp but the dogs.

"Y OURE ALIVVVE!! !" Yell jack. HaNbiak tild his head. "Um duh" he say. "Anyway we have a good reason for inviting you all here today!! !!! Thank you for comgin!" Alanaa handbag her lips. "yOU KIDNAPLED US..!" Hanjbal frown. "This is beldias house, she let us in, we didn't kidnap her. And Winston is my baby. We did t kdnap him." Willsay. "OH" sya alna. " um" hannjbal saed. "YES" alaa reply. "Why are you still yelli ng." "OH. SORRY. CAps lock." They all make the ._. face. "Annnyyywaaay...."

Hannaubal and will serve dinndinn. Nobody but the dogs (excluding bexlia) eat. Hannibal and Will hold handsies the entire time. Anala keeps staring at them. Jacj just keeps makign angry noises. Bedelia keeps sighing. It's really awkward. When tbey finsish they stand hp. "Now for that super important announcement..." Will and hanjon look at each other like a newly engaged couple nervous to tell their family oh wAI- "WE'RE MAKING MURDER HUSBANDS OFFICAL!! !" They squeal together and start to jump up and down. Wtf.

Bedekia starts cyring bc she a jlous bith.. Jack staets cryign because his role in this is overexpectign father. Who's child is now engaged to a serial killer. Alana starts crying bc she thinks she can """"sssav ee""""," will. She's a dumb ho. Hannibal starts crying because he love his lamb. Will starts crying because he lvos his bby. Lana and Winston can't cry because teyre doggies. But if they could it would be bc theyre halpy.

This scene looks like a renaissance painting. 

 

TBC


	8. Table manners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang gets their shit together

After they were allfinsinh crying:

"Anyway" say swill after he gets his shit together. He eft the room amd came abck with two leashes. "Well if youll excuse me i have to walk the doggies s." "Mmmkay" sayh annibal. He bend sdown like 7 feet (like 2 inchse) to kiss his fiances cheek. Aw. "Ummm,m isbt that r00d" say alanana. "Yeha." Agre bedlill pickle. "Just leaving your guests..,." Ssy jack. They look offenesed. "Will is made of rude. Just like all of you. It's why we're going to eat you." Says hanibal. Will nods.

How unexpected. They gasp.

"Close your mouths you'll get lockjaw." Say hannbial. "Oh NOW you're concerned with our well beings." Alanan roll her eyes. Hanjbail smile. "Nah it's just distracting" will makes anoise of agreement and turns to leave with the dogs. Excluding beledia. 

Wihout the Graham cracker here it's pretty awkward. Habbaubl twiddles his thumbs. "Sooo...how's life? Apart from the being kidnapped part" Bedldia rolls her eyes lik e an uninterested teenager. Alanas mouth is still open. Jack looks like an upset fish. 

"Alana! How's the wife?" Henibal ask. Anala squibt. "None ofyour buisne s" she sasafrassin him. "Well she used to eb a paintent I kind of have obligation...so..." hsasnibl sah. "Oh" says anlan. "I understand. She's fi- WAIT A SECO ND U SNEAKY LIL SLUT" bedalia and Jack "ooooooohhhhhhh". 

Some serious shades about to be thrown. 

"Um excuse me alana." Hannbi l start. "Who you callin a slut" will chose this exact moment to walk back in. He snap his fingees. "He has a point tho" says Will. "You fucked your way into this and you tried to fuck your way out..,." Banbail nosd. "I only had the sex with you bc I needed an alibi and you look like Will...and...I was pretty lonely..,." He say. 

Alana loojs offended. Hanbiabl look like hes about to crack open a can of whoop-ass.

Will puts a hand on his soon to be murderhusband's shoulder. He lean in to whisper. "Bae leave her alone think about her super pretty wife and baby child." Hannbail sigh like a teenager being proven a point. "Fineeeee." Will smiles. "Ow my cheek" he said. "oH MY PRECIOUS BBY LET ME KISS IT BETTER MWAH!" Will squirmin away "HANiBAL NOT IN FRONT OF THE GUESTS" bedlai sighs for the 19th time in the last hour. She turns to look at her fellow """gggueests""," "i" she starts "have been dealing with this bullshit for the last 2 days" crawfur say "Actually that doesn't sound too ba-OH MY GOD They're making out at the dinner table omfG"

bedial just shakes her head and gulps her wine


	9. Baby mama kidnap drama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Murder Fiances pick up a few friends

After the murder fiances helpedp their guests to their rooms (bc theyre still good hosts duh) they groomin their dogs (Winston and Lana in case u forgot it's okay u cool). Will look up 12,000 feet to hanjbual. "Wwhat is it my mongoose" he ask will looks guilty. "Doy ou think we should have kidnapped their baes too" he ask. Hannbibal lokks confused . "Why" he ask "well bc people bring dates to weddings so people can pressure them into getting married and having babies (he holds Winston up bc he is wills bby) duh" that makes sense, Hannibal thinks "that makes sense" hannibal says. "Well ill go get Margot and jacks new waifu brb hold lana" "wait no just Margot it should only be ppl we know. OH!! What anbout jimmy money and brian zipper or whatever their names were." Hannbibal nobds. "Goodbye my love I shall return before dawn." He kisses wills forehead. Will frownie faces "why u gotta be so '1800's western drama' about shit" as hannkbal walks out the door. "Wait" will asks the dogs bc hanjbal was gone. "We're in Salvador how he gon be back before morning" he shakes his head. 

Meanwhile, in a really pretty mansion somewhere in Canada or something...,.. .,

Hannibal rings the doorbell bc he's polite. He waits. Margot answers. "Hello Margot." He sahs. "Hello Dr. Lecter." She's being nice bc she's not fuckign stuPID. She subtly sighs. "Our undetermintly named child isn't home right now so let me pack really quick" he nods. Margot is great, he thinks. Same. She walsk back out with a nice suitcase. "Alright, where we goin"

Next,. In 'MURiCKA...

"Well shi T" say Brian and jimmy a the same tiem. Hannibal lecter and some v pretty lady just walkied in on them.., in the middle of an autopsy. "Hi I'm Margot" she says . Theyr jaws drop. "And before you say anything I like ladies and I'm married" their jaws close. "Anyway will said you're ibvited to our wedding." Hanibal says. Their jaws drop again.

Before dawn in Brazil or somwwhrr...,

"Honey I'm home" hanibal says. Will a nd two v excited dogs run in. Will jumps (literlary) into Hannibas manly arms and kisses him. Margot 'awws' and birand jimmy pesto gag. "There's nothing wrong with two dudebros making out screw u" she says "it's not that" says jimmy "they're cannibas" brian finsi. "And" Margot aska. She bends down to pet the dogs. "Wow" says graham cracker. "You really are cool. No wonder I did the do with you." She nods. "Anywere where's my baby mama"


	10. That sucks

After they reunited margot and alana, they got their beauty sleep. They had a big day. Not the wedding, just suit shopping.

Will wakes up alone..,."hnNABIAL WHERE U AT" he screech. If they're apart for too long they'd probs melt. "IN THE KITCHEN DUH" hannibal shout from somewhrre downstairs. In the kitchen probably. He doesbt even bother with pants. Just hanibobls very comfy looking sweater. He shuffles downstairs (dont try this ud break ur spine falling). His eyes were still closed from yawning an he heard a plate drop. He open he eyes. Their "'""guesttts"'," were all at the table. He was in his undies, hanibals sweater, and fluffy doggie print socks. Hannibobl dropped a plate. I don't blame him..,. Mhm...

"Good mornign" willsay. eveyrbody but margot and handjobl rolls their eyes. "Good morning mongoose bby mwah" hannibal bends down to kiss his foreheda. "Good monring, Will" says Margot. He nods in acknowledgement. "tHIS IS NOT A GOOD MORNING" alnna yell. "Whoa bae chill where are ur mannres" margot says "BACk IN 2013" anlana reply. Will rolls he eyes . "Like those existed" jimmu and brina go 'oooOOOH SNAP'. Hnanibal sets the plated breakfast down. "Mmkay bone ape titty." (That's french for eat ur food)

After they finis they breakfast,..

Hnniboal shut off hte lights while putting his coat on. "Alrright we headin out to get our suits" he say. "Wait you're leaving us here" Jack asks "w ell duh" says will deceeenging the stairs. "We're aalll dopped too the gills motherfucker S" slurs beleia , raising her momosa. The soon to be husbands nod. "Bye bitches" waves will.

They were all alone. In Hannibal Lecter's dark dinign room. And couldn't even fuckin move. 

Sucks to be them.


	11. Mango helps out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super duper sorry I haven't been updating, I know how that feels. But November has been really busy for me :// Thank u enjoy

15 hourd later...(bc I imagine suit shopping takes forever)

Hte sound of the lock clicking joltedtedted the guests awake. Bc waht the fuck else u gonna do in a dark, quiet room but sleep?,? Hnnibal and will walked arm in arm into the kitcheh. "My applegies for tkaing so long, westopped for lunch." Sya hanubal. "Hey check out my cute new wedding tux" says will, holding up his cute new wedding tux. "OH! that's super nice!!" Says Margot. Will smiel. "Okay what the fuck is with you being so nice" aks zeller. Mango frown. "Its a nice tux." She shrugs. which she can do bc she isn't on paralytics bc she ain't gon run. She's a sucker for weddings. And nice suits.

"Excuse me I gotta let the dogies out." Ssys will. Margot nods. "Mmmkay who wsnts lunch??" Ask hanbol  
"UGGGGGGHGHHH" groans evrybody but Margot.

After lunch, hnibal turns to Margot. "Alright so we're tryna pick out our wedding colors. I was thinking something warmer but my graham cracker prefers cooler. I need some womanly advice." Mango looks honored. "Well that depends on where the ceremony will be" she says. "Our private beach out back" hannibal tells her. Alana roll she eyes. "Of course they have a private beach" she mutters to jack. He grunts in repsone. "In that case." Sey mrgot. "I think cooler tones would work best during the morning or aftrenoon. Warmer stuff like oranges would b super pretty in the evening."

Hnnabl nods and gets to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next is the wedding!


	12. omf im so sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bruuuuh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so v sorry if you were expecting an actual chapter

hheeey bitches i kno some of y'all hate me rn  
and that's chill  
but shit's been happening   
my charger broke  
and our card number changed and amazon was being a little bitch about it  
you know  
but i mean  
some encouragement would help me out  
but if you don't wanna that's fine dude  
you're cool.  
love u.

but the wedding is in progress on my tablet.   
but that's dead so...  
i swear it's like half done but 

yeah


End file.
